Watch Their Hands

A Note Before Starting: The weblog column has been delayed a week due to unforeseen circumstances. The gypsy fortune teller said as much. The bits you missed will be added each week so that at the end of the month you'll still have had quite enough...Now we begin: Whatever you do - watch their hands. a. At the movies. When the baddie in a spaghetti western twitches his hand, it is a signal for Clint Eastwood to shoot him. The same applies when they scratch their ear or sharpen an HB pencil. Time to plug 'em. Clint need never be lost for a cue. b. On the road. When one hand's out the window with a cigarette and one's up up adjusting the vanity mirror, it is time to park and let them reel on by. If necessary, park in the bushes. c. At the party, when you hand your camera to them and ask them to take your picture. You may be perfectly at home holding the camera by the hand grip and pressing the shutter button with one finger, but don't assume that they will be able to manage this. Years of compact cameras with no viewfinders and then mobile phones with no shutter buttons have moved their ergonomic recognition way past what a standard camera would require. They will hold it with their ring fingers and try to fire it off with their thumbs. Or worse. If your camera is expensive, put a sturdy strap around their neck and just hope it catches the assembly when they let it slip through their butter fingers. Be sensible - you can manage a D1X or D4 with a 70-200 lens on it easily - many of you do so all day every day and charge accordingly. You can operate a 400mm f:2.8 lens without keeling over sideways. You can take a fish-eye photo of the Sistine chapel and not feature your fingers. Good for you - but your family cannot. Their stance with a picture box suggests a box Brownie under the Hills Hoist and everybody look at the sun. You'll need to box clever, not Brownie. Do not hand your big professional camera to your small amateur relative - no good will come of it. Select a small camera with a short lens. set a fast shutter speed, and medium aperture, and a high ISO and accept that you are going to have to de-noise yourself something awful anyway. Keep it on AF at all costs and if your camera can be set to release a three-shot bracket ONLY when it achieves focus lock, make sure that's the setting. You're trying to get a reasonable depth of field and a short shutter to counter the shaky hands. Don't expect them to use the EVF - they will always just look at the LCD screen on the back. Hope for the best with the framing, but if it's at a wider angle you'll be in there somewhere. Smile. They will not shoot until you do. Make them do two for insurance. Do not scream when their fingers wrap over the front element of the lens - even if they have been eating French Onion Dip a moment before. Screaming never helps a party. Grit your teeth and remember that Lens Cleanse enzyme lens cleaning wipes will get both the dip and the onion off the lens.