17 Aug Buyer’s Frenzy – A Guide To On-Line Retailing
Note: On no account is this instruction sheet to be shown to the general public. Once you have read it, scrape off the letters and dispose of them safely.
The On-Line Department has issued a set of guidelines for internet trading that must be followed by all staff.
a. When listing an item do not use images from another shop’s website if it also contains their trademark, name, phone number, or picture of store owner. In particular do not copy and paste their image if it has a lower price than ours.
b. If something has been discontinued by the maker – in 1956 – it is probably better to have a small notice in the on-line catalog that is is a special order item. No need to mention how special.
c. On occasion items may be repeated several times throughout the on-line catalog as a result of small data-entry errors. It is as well to have them exhibit the same price wherever they appear…
d. Typographical errors may occur within the on-line catalog and will be picked up by a particular type of reader. They will then contact the shop and attempt to order the wrongly-named item in an effort to get the laugh on the staff. In this case it is simple to change the name of the camera or lens in question to the mis-spelled version with a texta or small engraving chisel and just send it out. Laughter is therapeutic – particularly when you can do it last.
e. Receipt of money must be in cash, card authorisation, or a signed financing document. No more accepting chickens to pay for lenses. We can only use so many eggs.
f. On-line transactions are just as valid as in-store ones. When the customer tries to reneg on the deal by saying that they have seen the same 4000mm f/ 1.8 lens for $ 12.95 elsewhere you are not to roll your eyes at the computer screen. You risk damage to your optic muscles and this is not covered by the company health plan.
g. Be aware of the source of the on-line order and the amount of goods ordered. Occasionally you will get an order for 5000 Nikon D6 cameras from Ruritania ASAP. Check with the management before you start boxing and calling Star Track.
h. If a Ruritanian order for three lens cloths is accompanied by an electronic payment for $ 6000 and a request that the change be packed with the order in small bills, you may also wish to talk to the manager.
i. Very few of our customers are Princes or Princesses. If an on-line order comes through from one of them you may wish to check your Debretts or Almanach de Gotha before you get excited. Note: fewer still of our royal clients live in Africa or use hotmail.com.