The Unified Field Conspiracy Theory

The Unified Field Conspiracy Theory

Every thing we encounter today has a conspiracy theory attached to it. Political, religious, military, and scientific events are all drawn into internet speculation. There is always a party, guilty or other wise, a hidden organisation, and a convoluted explanation for whatever’s in the headlines. And any number of those eye-catching headlines will get you clicking through the fat-burning pill advertisements…

 Why should photography miss out? We can have conspiracies too. All you need for a good one is two people who won’t talk to a third one. Join me…

a. The demise of analog photography was funded by aliens.

Unhappy with the their experiences at Roswell and Wigan Pier*, aliens realised that they needed to turn humanity away from film photography. They mind-melded with Kodak engineers and the first digital imaging was born. Of course the aliens have far better cameras and editing programs – look at what they did for You Know Who. But they started humanity on the long slow road of digital imaging., Any day now we’ll have 200 Kb images as a standard in our magazines. 

b. New lens mounts are the product of daemonic possession.

Well, they do suggest that to some of us.  That and updates for the operating systems in our computers. Beelzebub and his flies are nothing to the buzzing of firmware updates followed by shutdowns of older equipment and constantly varying technical jargon. It’s sort of a case of talking in tongues but listening with feet.

c. Fugitive lens designers live in the jungles of South America, constantly moving in fear of capture by agents of Zeiss and Leitz. This is a silly thought, but actually becomes quite sensible if you substitute South Australia for South America. We’ll only know when they re-open the border.

d. They made a 4 x 5 digital sensor for $ 15 but the big manufacturer’s suppressed it. I know this is true because my cousin rode to Adelaide with the friend of a guy who bought one. Back in the 1980’s it was. When they had just sealed the road in South Australia – that’s proof, you know. Sealed roads. 

e. Photokina never happened. It was done with a holographic projection and a smoke screen but the big companies suppressed knowledge of this.  If you look at the photos of the Gitzo stand you can see that the flags are not moving in the breeze.

None of these totally-proven conspiracies can account for the rise in prices of major cameras while the numbers sold fall. When these two curves on the trade graph finally cross it may short out the flux capacitor and throw the entire business back to the future. I’m going to grab a bucket of popcorn and a big orange drink and watch the show.


*   Be fair. Wet Week at Wigan is a daunting prospect in any galaxy.


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